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| This movie is so lame... can't stop... the aneurysm! |
*Note: I originally wrote and posted this review on another blog of mine two years ago (during a time when I was perhaps not as good at writing as I like to think I am now). It has been updated and reposted here.
Welcome to my Harry Potter rant review. Let me start by saying I am a huge Harry Potter fan. Was I disappointed with the fourth film? That is an understatement. But I'm not just talking about your average fan's run-of-mill anger towards a film adaption of a beloved book or comic. No, I'm talking about a film director who changed the characters beyond any point of recognition, who completely ignores subtle traditions of storytelling, and a tale that is so fast-paced and bulging with shock value that it renders the final product aggressively lacking in the charm which first attracted us to the Harry Potter films.
SPOILERS BELOW!
Philosopher's Stone (hereafter "PS") and Chamber of Secrets ("COS") have never really been near the top of my list of favourite Harry Potter films. I am not a huge fan of Chris Columbus. These first two films sought of came out very bland. All sunshine and rainbows; the blood and carnage was later to come. The CG was mediocre even for its time (I refer specifically to the quidditch scenes), and the whole overarching Harry Potter story was just in its budding stage. So nothing too exciting happening just yet.
Then, Prisoner of Azkaban ("PoA") came along and wow, I love Alfonso Cuaron. The director of A Little Princess (1995) really knew how to capture the magic and character of author, J.K. Rowling’s original work. Cuaron didn’t cut away huge swaths of the book to save time. I don’t know how he did it but he managed to get everything in there and tell the story in a timely way. Hogwarts was no longer bland. The layout was changed in small ways and it better reflected Rowling's original layout of the Hogwarts grounds that she used when writing the series. PoA was the most critically acclaimed of all the Harry Potter films and I can see why. Not just my favourite Harry Potter film, but one of my favourite films of all time. Let us all bow down and worship Cuaron.
PoA was a hard act to follow. The following films were okay. They respected the material and were visually quite stunning (thank you David Yates for saving the franchise) except for one… Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Easily the worst of all Harry Potter films. This film really grates on my nerves. Maybe because it was my favourite book and director Mike Newell absolute raped the original material… Maybe because all of the characters are overly angsty and have bad haircuts. I’m not sure but in the style of KILL IT WITH FIRE!! I would like to clarify why exactly it sucks so bad because I have been told, and I am not joking, that this is some potterheads’ favourite film. Seriously, I can’t watch this film without jigging in my seat over how awful it is, so I am going to try and exorcise these feelings.
Before we start, feel free to grab a bottle of vodka because we are going to play a drinking game; take a swig every time Ron says “Bloody hell!” or Hermione overreacts and you’ll be nice a toasted before the credits role.
We start with Frank Bryce making a cuppa. He sees a light on in his neighbour’s place. He goes to investigate. Why is this out of the ordinary? It is never explained that Frank is the caretaker of the place and nobody should be in there. So already, people who have not read the books are confused.
He finds three men plotting in a dark room. One of the men is Barty Crouch Jr., who we later find out is son of Ministry Official Barty Crouch Sr. and was sent to prison by his own father for teaming up with Voldemort (the baddy). Crouch Jr. was not in this scene in the book so why is he here in the film? NO REASON. Feel free to take a swig everytime something stupid like that happens. I’ll write "no reason" and "pointless moment" to help remind you.
Harry Potter (hereafter "HP") wakes up. All that we have just seen was just a dream in Harry's head. Ron says “Bloody hell!”
HP and the Weaseley flock decide to go for a walk. Where? “Haven’t the foggiest!” Ron’s dad says. So we are all confused again. They are joined by some guy called Diggory and his son, a sparklepire called Cedric. Why? No reason. They will literally part ways in about 5 minutes, rendering the Diggorys' presence in this scene unnecessary.
So they find a "portkey" (it is never fully explained what that actually is). The portkey transports them to a refugee camp from what I understand. The use of CGI for the portkey scene is terrible. Let’s just say the characters spin away like a pinwheel. The younger members of the group fall to earth landing in undignified piles but not the sparklepire, he descends safely from the heavens like a Greek god by… wiggling his legs or something. Apparently wizards can fly now without aid just by wiggling their legs. Not exactly how I was hoping the scene would go.
So everyone packs into a small tent. Apparently this is where we were going all along. Harry is so happy to have arrived at the refugee camp that he exclaims (in his famously lame line): “I love magic!”
They go to watch the world cup in quidditch between Ireland and Bulgaria. They are literally blown away by what they see despite being in the cheap seats and far away from the action. I mean they are physically rocked by the masterful quidditch they are viewing. If I have anything to say in criticism about these young actors is that they should have given their acting just a little bit more energy. “WHOA!!!!!!!!” they scream when the teams… calmly enter the pitch.
After the game--which we don’t get to see after all that build-up--some Voldy followers decide to have a peaceful protest in the camp. I don’t see them killing anyone so assume it was a peaceful protest. People freak out anyway and this is where most of the damage is done; HP falls and is kicked in the head, knocking him out. See people, overreacting gets you nowhere. What were the Death Eaters protesting about anyway? Who cares. It’s not explained. But Crouch Jr. was there so we can only assume Voldy ordered him to do it or something.
We jump to the Hogwarts Express, on the way to--Wait! Really? We're just gonna jump from an English mansion to the Quidditch World Cup to the Hogwarts Express in the span of 8 minutes? You don't think that is really fast-paced? Even for a children's film? How are people supposed to keep up. We've been confused many times already now. Wow. Um. Okay--on the way to Hogwarts. HP sends a letter to Sirius Black for some advice about the visions in his head and the peaceful protest at the World Cup. A winged carriage arrives at Hogwarts instantly after we do. Okay, really!? I just said you were going too fast! Literally, there is no gap between our arrival and these strangers'. No explanation about who they are, no time for us to admire the familiar architecture… Look! A weird sub-aquatic Pirate Ship and a flying Cinderella carriage being violently dragged through the air by Pegasus-es! Don’t worry, we are all confused.
And now for another cringe-worthy scene… We see Filch running up and down the Great Hall FOR NO REASON. I get the feeling there are going to be a lot useless moments like this, hogging up the precious screen time. I feel like if they had just removed useless moments like this, we could have had more time for watching the world cup or injecting some magic back into this film, thereby reducing the fast-paced feel. The Cinderellas ballet dance their way into the great hall. Ron says “Bloody hell!” And may I just ask, why is Ron’s hair that awful baby-poo-yellow colour all of a sudden? No time to explain! The Pirates are here! They beat out a tattoo on the Great Hall’s floor, quite literally damaging the priceless medieval stones. Then all the first-years wet themselves when the Pirates breathe a fire-snake in their little faces. What was all that about? Nothing.
Dumbledore explains the Triwizard Tournament but is interrupted by some lightning. Most of you would remember from the first film that the ceiling of the Great Hall is bewitched to reflect the night sky. Key word: REFLECT. Not mimic it and electrocute students. But—randomly—this is suddenly a problem and students start screaming bloody murder about the killer lightning bolt that they are able to see heading towards them. But wait! A new creepy character who I get a strong pedophile vibe from, "Moody," saves us all… somehow. Dumbledore thanks Creepy for preventing the massacre that he himself--the most powerful wizard who ever lived--could not and never thought to take precautions against but apparently this is the first thunderstorm in all of Hogwarts history. Creepy says, “Stupid ceiling!” and Dumbledore smiles politely. I’m going to let that one stand for itself.
The first class of the year is with Creepy who teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts. The first lesson is about the Unforgivable Curses which are strictly NOT on the curriculum at Hogwarts. But Creepy is going to teach us all about them anyway. You’d think he was going to teach the students how to defend themselves against these evil spells but he doesn’t, he just rambles on about them and demonstrates them before his distressed class.
Hermione tells Creepy to “STOP IT!!” and her voice breaks. Please, also take a shot every time Hermione’s voice breaks. I would never dream of screaming at a teacher by the way, even if I disagreed with them. Creepy just stares at her (perhaps undressing her with his eyes?) and openly swigs from his personal canteen in front of his students.
Next, the gang discusses Creepy’s class and Hermione’s voice breaks.
We then see the students entering their names for a chance to compete in the Triwizard Cup. Poor Hermione and Neville. They are trying to take advantage of the great lighting and read books in this dark, dank room full of screaming students. Going to the library was apparently… not an option? Krum also enters his name and gives Hermione a thorough undressing with his eyes too. I understand that they are growing up and starting to notice members of the opposite sex but brace yourselves readers, there is going to be a lot of sexually tense moments like this to come.
Later, as the champions are selected, we discover that HP will also compete! Gasp! And here I thought the rest of the film was going to shift its gaze to a new leading character. Oh wait, no I didn’t. It was pretty clear HP was going to get his name in that cup. The title of the film is ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.’ So filmmakers, you can calm down with the tense music and everything; this has not come as a surprise.
After being so mellow and awesome in the last film, Dumbledore FLIPS OUT and demands to know how HP got his name in the cup.
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Nice consistency there filmmakers. Apparently HP doesn’t have a choice; he HAS to compete. He cannot simply opt out. “The rules are absolute.” What would happen to HP if he should decide to forfeit? …Um, well… uh… It is never explained in what will potentially be the biggest plothole of all in this film.
Ron confronts Harry later and says, “…bloody well…” and I think that is close enough so go ahead and take a swig. Ron’s character gets mauled in this screen adaption. Expecting clever dialogue and companionable loyalty from Ron like the last three films? Silly movie-goer. Ron is moody and yellow-haired and when he is needed for comic relief (which is 80% of the time) the writers just get him to wear something stupid or say “Bloody hell!” That’s British, right? That’s what British people say? Like, all the time?
Apparently the owls are on strike because they are no longer delivering post directly to students; HP has to collect his mail from the Owlery. Black has sent HP a letter telling him to meet him in the Gryffindor common room later. And so they do and thanks Newell for making the ‘talking through fireplaces’ thing really weird. Not at all what anyone was picturing, I expect. The fire simply rearranges itself into the shape of a face which looks like Black and communicates with HP. Is Harry’s face also made of firey coals in Black’s grate somewhere out there? Black is homeless so how did he get himself a fireplace to communicate with Harry? I’m confused again. Ron interrupts them so Black flees. It's not explained that Black is currently a fugitive from the law and being seen could jeopardize his safety. Anyway, Black left before we can learn anything useful so this whole scene was pointless.
Hermione looks for Harry later down by the lake to deliver a verbal message to him from Hagrid. The owls are still on strike after all so Hagrid could not simply send Harry a written message, and thereby avoid all that is to follow. Hermione rambles off this list of people who have passed along a chain message to Harry. She does this for little to no reason. She tries really hard to remember everyone who passed the message along. It’s deeply annoying. Even Hermione gets annoyed when Harry asks her to pass a message back along the line. Her voice breaks. “I’m not an owl!” she screeches. What is Harry supposed to do anyway? The real owls are on strike! She doesn’t even let Harry finish his request before she is yelling at him. Cue some angsty music.
So Hermione told Harry that Hagrid wanted to talk to him. He goes to visit him later that night. Hagrid says, “Did you bring your [invisibility] cloak like I asked you?” Um, when exactly did you ask him to do that? Hermione didn’t mention that in the message and the owls are on strike so you couldn’t have sent a written message. It doesn’t matter because Harry cuts him off to ask what we are doing strolling through the Forbidden Forest at this time of night. Harry is shocked to see that Hagrid has taken some time to take care of his personal hygiene and decides to point this out. You are such a great friend Harry. Hagrid shows Harry some dragons that he and the other champions will compete against in the Triwizard Cup. The music is over the top and angsty. Harry is angry that Ron was not the one to tell him about the dragons.
The next day, all the other school students adorn “Potter Stinks” badges. How original. What, are we five years old again? Well, apparently this is hilarious and everyone at Hogwarts is mentally retarded. HP has a run-in with his nemesis Draco Malfoy. Remember him? He used to be a villain? Never mind, it doesn’t matter. Creepy steps in and turns Malfoy into a ferret before the confrontation can escalate. I should be happy that they are trying to inject some of the original humour back into this film but, ugh, I am already too far gone to care so this just becomes another pointless moment for me.
Creepy asks HP what he is going to do about his dragon. How did he know about the dragons? No time for logic, here comes the plot! Creepy tells HP to use his broom during the first challenge. I’m pretty sure this is going to go against the rules but Creepy waves that problem away. HP will stun everyone with his brilliance and no one will dare hold any rule-breaking against him. Screw the rules, I have money! …and all that.
Later at the champions’ tent, Hermione throws herself at HP and gives him a particularly rib-breaking hug at the revelation that he will have to face-off with a dragon. Okay, HP has faced off against Voldemort twice now and won. It’s only a dragon so calm down Hermione. Jeesh, when did you get so mood-swingy? So Harry goes off to fight a dragon and FINALLY something interesting is happening in this film. In an extended scene which we don’t get in the book, Harry is chased by the dragon around the Hogwarts castle and comes very near to being eaten. I admit, this is a pretty cool scene, though sadly, pretty much the only one in the whole film. Harry escapes the dragon when it flies stupidly into a wall and wins a golden egg which contains a clue for the next task. Hermione FREAKS OUT (seriously, calm down Hermione!) and the over-the-top music is cued.
Later in the Gryffindor dorm, Fred and George scream about how awesome this is. I seriously had to turn down the volume for that bit. Harry opens the dragon’s egg and a somehow even more annoying noise comes out. Ron says, “What the bloody hell was that?” Harry and Ron decide to be friends again in a really lame way. I am struggling to keep the sanity right now so I will not go into the details. Hermione shakes her head in disbelief at how lame they are. “Boys,” she says simply as though that explains everything.
Later, at breakfast, Ron is needed for comic relief so the producers, I mean-his mum sends him a dress to wear. LOLZ!!! We learn that everyone needs dress robes for the Yule Ball. In an additional scene we don’t get in the books, Professor McGonagall tries to teach the Gryffindors to dance. “The Yule Ball is first and foremost… a dance,” she says. Everyone gasps and looks around at their fellows in surprise. Who would have thought a Yule BALL would consist of dancing! During the following movie montage (and not the good kind) Ron and Harry lament at their inability to attract the opposite sex while Hermione and Krum undress each other again with their eyes. Remember what I said earlier about the sexual tension? Brace yourselves now. The producers decide that this film hasn’t got enough Alan Rickman in it yet so they have him repeatedly punch Ron and Harry in the head while they are trying to have a conversation about the Yule Ball.
After that, Harry heads up to the Owlery again to collect his mail. Damn, owls! Get off that strike already! He runs into Cho Chang, the hottest girl in school, and asks her to be his date for the ball. She turns him down. In a really cute scene which made me LOL at the rediculousness (What is this? An after-school-special?), we cut to Harry sulking in the Gryffindor common room. He sighs dramatically and morosely. Poor thing. Ron stumbles in, aided by a gaggle of girls, after apparently being turned down by Fleur Delacour. Morale is low. They both can’t find dates. So what should we do? Isn’t it obvious? Ask the next thing you see with two legs, breasts, and a pulse to be your date. So that is just what they do.
Ron and Harry go to get ready for the ball. Ron puts on his dress and we dedicate an entire scene to laughing about how ridiculous he looks. Yep, we get it filmmakers. Ron is a walking, talking joke.
We arrive at the entrance hall moments before everyone is let into the great hall for the ball. Apparently Ron hates Hermione all of a sudden because he makes some derogatory remarks about her. They meet up with their hoes—I mean, dates. Enter Hermione. Oooh, aaah! Isn’t she pretty!!??? This is so shocking! Because, well gee, she was just so damn hideous before!! Um no, filmmakers. Just no. Hermione has not been ugly for about one and a half films now. This is not coming as a shock so you can tone down the dramatic music. And seriously, PINK??? Pink is the colour you choose for her dress? Why not a more powerful colour for our leading heroine? And it’s not even a pretty dress. Seriously, we have seen Emma Watson wear prettier dresses at premiers so quite frankly; this is a huge let down. Fangirls everywhere who were looking forward to this moment are choking mid-‘squeeeeeee’ on how badly this had came off.
Blah blah blah, Harry looks like an idiot trying to dance, blah blah blah, we get it; Harry is a joke just like Ron. After a while, Ron and Harry decide they have had enough of the god awful music (“Can you dance like a hippogriff?” What does that even mean???!!?!?!) and don’t want their ears to bleed anymore so they go sit down. Hermione walks past and Ron passes comment on what he thinks is her inappropriate relationship with Krum. Hermione tells him to shove it, and while I agree, she absolutely loses it and screams at him for spoiling her night. Her voice breaks. It’s annoying.
Harry has a flash back about the three men plotting in that random country estate. Probably the filmmakers were trying to remind us of the film’s conflict but we learn nothing new from this scene so it was a pointless moment.
The sparklepire catches up with Harry between classes and tells him to go have a bath (rude! Can we all stop commenting on one another’s personal hygiene?) in the prefect’s bathroom and take his egg. Harry does so and in the process, is joined by Moaning Myrtle. Myrtle dives into the over-sized bath to cop an eyeful of Harry in his first nude scene. As she does so, she does not so much as disturb the water’s surface tension. Now, I have a admittedly petty bone to pick about this. I understand that she is a ghost and can move through brick walls but as we saw in the second film, Myrtle was able to dive into a toilet and slosh water over the sides. She has also in the past, when upset, flooded the girl’s bathroom. So she can manipulate physical material, like water. But here, not so much as a ripple. Maybe I am being picky… well anyway.
Myrtle tells him to hold the egg open under the water. He does so. It sings to him a clue. Myrtle eyes his man berries creepily (what's with the abundance of pedophiles as Hogwarts?) and instead of getting the hell out of there once he has the clue, he sticks around to canoodle with her some more. Ew.
The gang hits the library (they have one after all!) to try and figure out how they can help Harry win this second challenge. Apparently Ron can sleep in a chair, sitting fully erect. Is that even possible? Neville tells Harry about a magic kind of weed (sounds great, right!) that will turn him into a fish or something (Oh. *Is disappointed*).
On the way to the second challenge, Neville sneezes in his hand and gives it to Harry, explaining that it is "gillyweed." Fred and George (my favourite characters) are taking bets for the outcome of the challenge. Once again, they are shouting nonsensically and irritably in my face, and my volume must be reduced once more. At this point I am barely holding it together; my beloved characters are so far removed from anything approaching the characters in Rowling's books. In this case, suddenly my two favourite characters are two of the most annoying characters in the film, and that is saying something! Thanks a bunch, Newell!
Everyone is heading down to the lake to watch the second challenge. They all get into little boats and are rowed out to one of three large viewing platforms… FOR NO REASON. Let me explain; despite the vantage point, the lake water is black and nothing is visible beneath its surface. So everyone gets to the viewing platform and then…. I dunno…. I guess they all play mah-jong or something for an hour because they can’t see what’s going on in the challenge. What was the point of even going then to the viewing platform?? They may as well have stayed in bed! Well, it probably wasn’t all for nothing; Harry does a super special awesome flip in the air after turning into a fish! Yay! Soooooo canon right now!
HP finds an underwater mermaid palace and sees that four wax mannequins are being kept hostage there. The sparklepire comes along and saves the hottest mannequin. Harry tries to save both the mannequin of Ron and Hermione but this angers the shark-ladies. Over-the-top dramatic music for the next ten minutes! It’s okay though, Krum-shark comes to save the Hermione mannequin, leaving Harry to save the last remaining mannequins. He succeeds and shoots himself like a canon out of the water by shouting an ascension spell… underwater. He lands conveniently on the viewing platform which perhaps shifted so it was floating above the mermaid palace? Darn you continuity! You are so tricky! Fleur kisses both Harry and Ron in thanks for saving her mannequin. Ron goes all Parisian and says “Bloody hell!” in French. Hermione FREAKS OUT about Harry’s success. Her voice breaks again. Harry is awarded second place after the sparklepire for saving two mannequins instead of one. Um, what? That hardly seems fair to me! I would be PISSED if I was Krum!! How very convenient that both the Hogwarts contestants are tied for first place. Dumbledore is clearly biased!
Do you guys remember Malfoy? He used to be a villain in the other films. We get a shot of him punching a random kid in the head to remind us that he is still around and evil.
So Barty Crouch Sr. dies. Harry feels conflicted by this after having a deep and meaningful with the victim just moments before his death. They were soooo super tight! He seeks out Dumbledore for advice… and while waiting for him in his office snoops around in Dumbledore’s pensieve. The pensieve transports him to a courtroom trial (with dramatic music!) which happened years ago at the Ministry of Magic. The man on trial accuses Crouch Jr. of getting cosy with Voldemort. Crouch Sr., without any evidence or a trial, disowns his son on the spot and sends him to prison. Harry recognises Crouch Jr. from his dreams. There is clearly something going on here. The pieces of the puzzle are connecting and starting to fall into place… but when Dumbledore interrupts Harry's visitation to the courtroom, he tells HP not to pay any mind to this emerging mystery. Um, okay.
The producers remember that there still isn’t quite enough Alan Rickman in this film so they force some more into the script. Snape accuses Harry of nicking his stuff without any evidence. Well, well, well. What is this? A scene in the film that serves a meaningful purpose? We find out that someone in the school was stealing supplies to mix a polyjuice potion...
The third challenge! Once again, all the students scramble for prime seating for a challenge that they won’t be able to actually see. God, I hate this film. So some stuff happens (Fleur gets eaten by a shrubbery, Harry cowers like a baby while Krum and the sparklepire duel) and Harry and Cedric end up finding and grabbing hold of the cup at exactly the same moment. Ah, magic! It was a portkey! That thing we didn’t properly explain earlier in the film. So Harry and Cedric are deposited in a graveyard.
Voldemort has his manservant, Wormtail, ‘Kill the spare!” So Cedric dies. Later, we discover that he actually survived the attack. Dumbledore has Cedric relocated to a small American town and placed in the Witness Protection Programme where he masquerades as a vampire until things blow over back in the UK.
After a complicated ceremony using Harry’s blood, Voldemort is restored with new body compliments of Ralph Fiennes minus the nose. He summons clothing literally out of thin air. The villain starts monologue-ing. This usually means that things are going to work out well for the hero, because the villain is so distracted by how awesome they are. Voldy flounces about a bit and demands a duel from Harry. So they duel. Some ghosts appear and distract Voldy so Harry can, bravely, run away. I don’t really have any complaints about this scene, but I am annoyed that we had to get to the end of the film before something, ANYTHING finally happened.
Portkey! Harry brings Cedric’s body back to Hogwarts. Creepy McCreepy, seeing that Harry is upset, forcibly takes Harry back to his office. There is no non-creepy way to write that. Creepy asks about the graveyard and Harry points out that he never mentioned a graveyard. Creepy comes clean and admits that he has been assisting Harry behind the scenes to win the Triwizard Tournament and that he is really on Voldemort’s side.
Suddenly, Dumbledore expelliarmuses his way into the room. Is there anything that spell can’t do? I need to make my bed. Expelliarmus! Yay! All done.
Creepy admits he is using polyjuice potion and that actually, he is Crouch Jr. all along! What a twist!
So there isn’t really any conflict resolution for this film, just a shit storm that ends in a win for the bad guys.
They have a funeral for the sparklepire that feels very forced. Dumbledore seeks out Harry later in his dorm room. To break the ice, he says, “I never liked these curtains.” Um, nice to know. Someone just DIED Dumbledoore. Maybe you could start with, “Are you okay?” Dumbledore apologizes for being so lackadaisical about the whole obvious threat that Harry has been under for the past year. Yeah, no worries, Dumbledore. I’m sure the emotional scarring will fade in time. Jerk.
Later, as the gang sees the Cinderellas and Pirates off the property (what purpose did they really serve in this film again?), Hermione asks, “Everything’s going to change now, isn’t it?” and Harry is like;
Through Emma Watson's terrible overacting, and Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint's awkward underacting, they somehow manage to promise to write eacher other during the summer. The Triwizard Tournament has been rendered obsolete. Despite the fact that Harry technically won by default, celebration is out of the question because someone has been killed in the process. So Harry is never acknowledged as the champion, he never receives his ‘eternal glory,’ thereby rendering this entire shitfest a complete waste of time.
As they wave goodbye to the Cinderellas and Pirates who are disappearing into the sunset, beaten, tails between their legs, the music crescendos and we are given the false belief that everything will be alright despite the fact that Voldemort is out there somewhere right now plotting mass genocide. Yay!
The reason I hate this film is the writing is so bad and nothing really happens until the finale outside of that one awesome dragon scene. After reading the book, I was particularly looking forward to the Yule Ball scene but this was ruined by the silly music and intense overacting from the cast. Newell needs his head put on a pike as an example to people who make films like this. This was a major investment by Warner Bros. Entertainment. They handed over millions of dollars and expected a good film in return, not this tripe. If I was them, I would be so pissed right now. I need a drink.
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